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Not Out Of The Woods Yet But....

 I have been doing a lot better over the last few days as we had my wife’s parents come and visit over the weekend and I will be visiting my family in a couple of weeks. I haven’t had the chance to do so since this COVID-19 pandemic hit.

I felt good this morning but I am going onto midnight shift which effects my sleep patterns. I find that a big part of this is my irregular sleep patterns as I tend to get more anxious in this time period.

I have been getting more exercise as I have been going out on walks and getting on the treadmill. I also am looking for more activities to occupy my time and keep my mind focused elsewhere. I also need to find ways to keep my mind off this pandemic.

Work has been going better and with it my anxiety. This “black dog” has not completely disappeared but is showing signs of going away.It will take a little more time and I will still have to walk through this valley.

But I have to say I am not out of the woods yet but I am doing a lot better.

How To Combat A Black Dog

 When you are down in the dumps I have a new ideas how to combat it and get a little bounce in your step.These are just few things I have over the years.

1.Talk To Someone

When you are feeling down is to not bottle it up inside but rather talk about it with somebody close. It could be a spouse, friend or family member and more often than not it is could to get it out in the open. Plus people closest to you will sometimes know there is something wrong even when you feel like you are hiding it. They also may offer some helpful advice.

2.Go Outside

I find the worst thing to do is to stay home as a change of scenery may just what you need. It could be something simple as a walk around the block or a quick trip to the store. It is easy to want to stay in bed all day but some sunshine and exercise can better you’re mood. It also can get you out of the lethargic feeling.

3.Have A Good Laugh

Sometimes a good laugh can be a big help in combatting this. You can watch some old sitcoms on Netflix or check out some old comedy sketches on YouTube. I personally like to check out old SCTV skits and especially like John Candy as Mr.Science and the Half-Wits game show. Even going through a joke book can bring you a chuckle or two.

4.Therapy 

If things don’t improve over time you have to see a doctor and/or therapist to get help. They may prescribe  you some meds to combat depression and refer you to a therapist to get you some counselling. These can both help you get over some dark periods in life and the counselling may help you get to the root of your problem.

5.Seek Support

There are many forums and blogs you can check out online. Facebook as quite a few support groups you can also join. Even reading other people’s blogs can be a source of support. Not to mention there are various chat rooms you can login into.

These are just some ways to combat the blues and gain some insight.

Return Of the Black Dog

 My “black dog” has returned just as things were getting better. I can’t pinpoint why it has returned but I believe it may be due to the weather as It has been cold and grey out the last couple of days.

Things are ok at in spite of my wife struggling with her health and I have been keeping relatively busy. I have been on Kindle reading another book F*k Depression by Robert Duff and have been more active in prayer as I am going through The Book of Common Prayer as well. I also have gone out both days and have used the treadmill so I have been active.

I head back to work tomorrow which may either help or hinder me as things have been slow lately. But it just may give me some purpose if nothing else. I will be working 3 12 hour days in a row which may tire me out and keep me occupied. It may help me get my strength back up.

I know if it’s been caused by my strange sleep patterns as I have been going to bed at different times and have been sleep a lot of hours. Or it may be because of SAD(Seasonal affective disorder) which while not diagnosed I seem to struggle with this about every fall. I look to get to the bottom of this and make this “dog” go away. 

Finding A Center

 One of the things I find very important in battling this is finding a center or something to hold on to. In my case it is my relationship with the Lord as I seek him daily As I look to get through my days as my GAD can get the better of me. Also,I find that it keeps me from going off the deep end and gives me a source of comfort even through troubled times. A relationship with God is very helpful when combating anxiety.

You say that you don’t believe in a deity there are other centres you make have. These may be a spouse,  a friend, a child or even a pet. Sometimes it may be a matter of finding it through mindfulness and/or mediation. It may be a method over a thing that keeps you grounded.

At work I wear a small necklace with a cross and another with emblem of St.Christopher even though I am not catholic. These are worn as a remainder I am not alone but that have help from above. They kind of act as positive charms to help me get through the day.

While very important I also have a strong support network such as my lovely wife, my mom who I talk to on a regular basis, people at my church and even other blogs on anxiety are things I look to to help me in this journey. Having a strong support network is also a good center to have when you are struggling with anxiety and it’s cousin depression.

What I am saying is we need a centre to help us in this struggle and we don’t need to go at it alone. It is best that we don’t have go at this alone and getting help is much needed.

More Tips To Deal With Anxiety

 These are just ways I have been battling anxiety lately and these seem to be working as my anxiety as been a lot better these days.

1. No television

I mentioned this in a previous post but it bears repeating here. We cut the cable recently and are spending more time reading, talking and going out. Let’s face it most of what is on TV is rather unpleasant as there are a lot of shows with pointless violence, mostly unlikeable characters and filled with unpleasant situations. Not to mention you are hit with numerous commercials mostly advertising junk you don’t need at all. I feel that my anxiety has gotten better especially at night without TV.

2.More Reading

Also mentioned in my last post I have been doing a lot more reading. I have One-year Bible NKJV and read it daily. I also just got Kindle Unlimited which allows you read some books for free. Right now I am reading 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do by Amy Morin. I probably should look for some books on paperback in order reign in my electronic use. I have been reading quite a few self-help books and they have given me some tips for this journey.

3.Enjoying Nature

I haven’t had to go very far to do this either as there are more nice walking trails in my area to enjoy the outdoors. Sometimes, I just have to go in my backyard as we have a big tree and are near a forest which attracts squirrels and chipmunks. We even get the odd raccoon, groundhog or even a neighbour’s cat and it is fun and relaxing to watch them in action. All from the comfort of my home.

4.Music

I got a record player for Christmas (yes they still exist) and have been getting quite a record collection. Also, I have an enormous I-Tunes collection with everybody from Alice Cooper to Mozart. I will retreat to my room and sit back and play some tunes. It helps forgot about my troubles and takes me elsewhere mentally. It helps that I have wide range of genres of music.

These are just some ways I have been copping and hope they can be a help to others.

The Latest With Me

 This is the best I have felt in a long time as my anxiety while not completely gone is at an all-time low. The exercise and mindfulness same to be helping me and I have been focusing on positive thoughts. I have however been feeling fatigued lately but that may have to do with my work schedule more than anything else.

I feel that some changes that I have made have helped me such as eating healthier (Although I have slipped the last couple of days). Getting to do the treadmill and going out more have helped me out as well.  Us cutting the cable hasn’t hurt either as I haven’t any violent programming or stuff that insults my intelligence. I don’t miss the boob tube at all.

I have been doing a lot more reading and finished a book called Quiet:The Power do Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain which was never good in showing how introverts like myself can make a difference. I just got Kindle Unlimited and have been unloading some more books. I just started The Power Of Discipline:How To Use Self-Control and Mental Toughness to Achieve Your Goals by Daniel Walter. I should look to get some in paper format to limited my electronic time. I also got the Book Of Common Prayer to assist me with my prayer life.

Work has going well and am not getting stressed as much. My home is good despite the fact my wife is stilling struggling with her condition. But I am learning to take things one day at a time.

What’s On My Mind?

 Things a lot better than the last time I posted but I do have quite a few concerns on my mind.

My province has officially announced that we are in a recession and things at work have been pretty slow. I just wonder if things better or worse with COVID-19 not going away anytime soon. I probably should avoid the news again even though I rarely look at it these days.

I also keep seeing a lot of missing persons cases on Facebook and crime reports in my town and wonder if it is really safe in my community. I also wonder if it is really safe anywhere in the world anymore. It probably should serve as a remainder that I should spend less time on Facebook and maybe more time reading a book or doing something to improve my mind. It would help with my GAD.

Also,my wife’s health issues have me concerned as while she has been a bit better she still is struggling. She has a long way to go before she gets a lot better but at the same time it is good to have her home. I see her a lot more than when she was working and we get to spend a lot more time with each other. But I still want her healthy.

A lot of this has to do with the amount of free time I have and I should find some health ways to occupy more of my time.

Frustration and Bitterness

 I have been experiencing these two things as I continue to struggle with anxiety and depression. I feel that as of late that I am getting nowhere in life and that this GAD is a huge stumbling block.

I feel stuck at my current job as I have not advanced in the time I have been there and I struggled with anxiety since I have started there. I also not found any leads to help me out of this situation and am told constantly told I am there for a purpose. I have also hurt my shoulder and wrists and am in pain a lot of the time. I feel it is hopeless and there is no end in sight.

I also have been looking back at some of the disappointments in my life such as failure to get into seminary, missed work opportunities etc... I feel this problem of anxiety has cost me a lot of opportunities in life and I am trapped in a vicious cycle as I am at times fearful to move on especially with COVID-19 right now. I just wish I could shake this thing but know it is not as easy as that.

Not all is lost as I am in great marriage, I have roof over my head and money is ok right now. I know I should stress the positive but these negative thoughts and feelings have crept in. I am just wondering if this could be the return of the black dog. As I have learned that anxiety and depression can really dim your outlook on life.

I should I have had problems in past at this place particularly with my bed-Foreman and an ex-co-worker. Things have been going well lately as I have charged crews but the memories are still there. I need forgive and forget so I can move on. Also, not to give up my job search and maybe find a way to acquire some new skills. A more positive outlook sure would help.

Fears That I Currently Have

 These are some of fears I currently have:

Fear of losing my job as the economy is in bad shape right now and manufacturing is usually one of the first sectors to get hit.Also,this anxiety has affected my performance at times.

Fear of losing somebody close to me. Both of my grandmothers and parents are getting older(than again so am I) and I dreading the day I will get the phone call (You know which one I mean).I feel that haven’t spent enough time with them And letting them know how much they mean to me.

Fear of losing my mind as I am thinking weird thoughts and making me crazy.The worst part is I can’t seem to make them stop. I get too much in my head sometimes and it often leads to all source of troubles. I need to focus on the good things in life.

Fear of losing my faith as I am currently struggling with right now,I have dome Bible reading and prayer but still wrestle with this. Largely because I struggle with anxiety as I am not supposed to.

These are just of the things that have caused me anxiety and I hope to eliminate them one by one.

The Latest With Me

 Not a whole lot of new things as things have been going smoothly for the most part.

I did have an episode on Wednesday night at work where I felt very panicky and had knots in my stomach. The weird part is I don’t know exactly why  and I managed to get through it. It could have been due to the weird sleep patterns I have when I am on this shift as I don’t get the required sleep that I need. Or it could be my workplace anxiety acting up again. Maybe a combination of both.

I have avoiding reading the news online as it has flared up my GAD at times. Since we cut the cable a couple months ago I don’t have to worry about seeing it on TV. I can’t say that I miss it a whole lot and feel a lot better especially with COVID-19 still around. Ignorance is bliss as the old saying goes.

I have reading a couple of books Life Without Limits by Lucinda Bassett and Vanishing Grace by Phillip Yancey and they helped me see things from different perspective. I have been struggling with my faith lately as I have not been able to attend church partly because of my job and also due to my wife’s weakened immune system. Still reading the Bible regularly but need more time in prayer.

In all still working through things day by day and I realize while I struggle with this there are tools and resources to help me.  It is a process.

Conquering Your Fears

I made a reference to this in an earlier post that one of the ways to overcome or at least deal with anxiety is to overcome your fears. I have had to do this and it has helped come out of my comfort zone as well as my battle with GAD.

One to meet a fear head on rather than avoid it. This is certain tasks at work, public speaking, meeting new people etc.. I found that avoiding a task you fear just makes things worse and prolongs your fear. Also, if you do something like miss a day of work to avoid a task or job that you also become fearful of the consequences that may occur as a result. Also, meeting these as challenges also helps you grow as a person as you grow stronger and less fearful.

It also helps to talk to someone to help conquer a fear whether it be a spouse,friend, family member or clergy person. More often than not you get good advice or at least see things from a different perspective. Sometimes you may have to go into professional counselling to get the help you need. Don’t be afraid to get help to over fear.

Guidance from above even helps to as you pray you have spiritual help in conquering a fear. If you are not spiritual person a inspirational quote from a historical figure or famous person may be helpful. It is about finding the inner peace you need to get through a difficult or fearful situation and it helpful to keep you calm thought.

Finally, it is often a matter of of putting things in perspective as our fears and worries seldom come to pass. In his book How To Stop Worrying And Start Living Dale Carnegie talks about the worst case scenario in a situation we are worrying about. More often than not it doesn’t occur and when it does the impact isn’t often nearly as hard as we imagined it. It is often about weighing the positives and negatives of a situation and the positives often out weigh the negatives.

Just a word here that we are not to get reckless and put one’s life in danger if we are afraid of certain animal such as bear or things such as heights. Trying to engage a wild animal or combat a fear of heights by doing something death defying is not a way to combat fear but is dangerous and foolish. Common sense is often your greatest ally in overcoming our fears.

More Tips To Deal With The COVID-19 Crisis

While things have calmed down a bit with COVID-19 Virus we are far from out of the woods. There may very well be a second wave and as matter of fact there has been a spike of young people who have gotten the virus. Here are some tips as anxiety increases once again and to set your mind at ease.

1.Wear Your Mask

There has been a lot of debate whether or not we should obey various laws and companies who have made mask wearing mandatory. But When we out into public we should obey the rules here (unless you have a medical reason not to) and set minds at ease. If you aren’t you are not protesting liberty or making a statement but you are potentially putting lives in danger. So WEAR YOUR MASK!

2.Avoid The News

Or at the least take a break from it. While things are pretty good here in Canada news in other parts of the world especially what’s going in The United States and South Korea are a cause for alarm. News outlets seemed to be more interested in scaring the public than reporting the facts. There is also a lot of misinformation out there (especially on the internet) and many news outlets online have a specific agenda and don’t exactly have unreliable and/or biased sources. Plus having all these views jumbles the facts and adds to anxiety.

3.Avoid Crowds

I know it is summer and it is time to hit the beach or park and we all have been cooped up in our homes for months.But it is best to avoid them as many people still do not practice social distancing and are often very crowded. If you must go try at a time that isn’t peak for most people and practice social distancing. As for restaurants try to take your food to go as these places can get crowded (at least for this pandemic).I know it doesn’t taste as good but it is safer this way and does get you out of the house.

The reason I bring these up is that these may be the two cases why there may be a spike in cases in young people and also may cause anxiety when going out. Also, wearing masks and practice social distancing should be emphasized here as well.

4.Put Things Into Perspective

The truth is most people who contact this disease survive and fully recover. Also, our ancestors have lived through way worse circumstances than we can even image. It is best to keep your mind occupied by reading, writing or picking up a hobby. Keeping the mind sharp helps keeps it from worry as I have learned in living through this.

These are just ideas to keep one from getting too anxious throughout this pandemic and to relax mentally with all the information we are receiving.

Things I Am Not Afraid Of

In battling Generalized Anxiety Disorder it is easy to be afraid of a lot of things. There are many fears that are common with many people which I don’t actually have. Here are some of them:

1.Flying

I don’t fear flying as I have never had any trouble boarding an airplane. I found myself in the several times I have flown I had it a very comfortable experience. I feel more at ease in an airplane than I do in a car and my anxiety has not popped up at all each time I have flown.(It may have something to do with the stats involving car accidents and airplane crashes).

2.Travelling

This is connected to one but I also have no fear of going to another place or country. As a matter of fact I love to do a lot more and would if time and finances would permit me. The curiosity in me wants me to explore other cultures and landscapes. My sense of adventure overtakes my anxiety here.

3. Animals

I don’t have a fear of most animals as my years of visiting the zoo and having cats at home have given a love of various creatures. I especially love domestic animals like cats and dogs and would have several pets if my wife wasn’t allergic to both. I am definitely an animal lover and especially love cats.

4.Expressing Myself

Even though I am a quiet introvert I have little or no trouble expressing myself when I need to. After all, I do write this blog and update it regularly. I also express myself verbally to people when I need to as well. I have to admit though I keep my anxiety under wraps for the most part.

These are just some things that I do have any fear but unfortunately my fears often overbalance my non[-fears a lot of the time.

 

Progress I Have Made

In this ever going battle with GAD there has been a lot of victories over the years and have had to step out of my comfort many times in order to combat my fears. There are times when I had to get back on the proverbial horse after falling off and got a few examples here.

I used to have a fear of driving especially city driving as I would tense up and my stomach would be in knots. I would try to avoid it as much as possible.In the winter I would only drive if I really had to. Now I drive all the time and feel very comfortable doing both in the country and city. I can even do it in really bad weather without getting too tense.

Public speaking was another fear I had (I am sure I am not alone here). I had problems in school doing this and tired to avoid it as much as possible. Now in my adult life I have done sermons in church and have had to give presentations at previous places I have worked at.While I still get butterflies in my stomach when have to give a talk but have developed a lot more confidence in doing so.

Just meeting new people also flares up my anxiety as this goes hand in hand with social anxiety. I covered that going to various groups such as Bible studies and prayer meetings at church has really helped me and just going helps as well. It not only gives me the chance to meet people but to express myself and see things from a different perspective as I talk to others. Sometimes it doesn’t pay to just sit at home and you have put yourself out there.

These are just some examples how I have overcome anxiety in my life. There are still a lot of struggles as the battle continues. It is matter of stepping out of your comfort zone and facing your fears head on.

Fatigue

Another issue I have with GAD is fatigue as this is common for people who have this disorder. I have been fine lately but today I have been struggling with it. It seems to come and go at times but I seem to have it more often than not.

There are times when I sleep for 11 /12 hours and wake up tired and if it is a day I have off I will nap in the afternoon. Then I still feel tired enough to go to bed early at night. There are times especially at work where I have just enough energy to get by and have to load up with caffeine. But the problem with caffeine of course is it increases my anxiety.

One way to beat fatigue is to get some exercise which increases my adrenaline and I usually hit the treadmill for half an hour. Sometimes if it is nice out I will go for a short walk just to be outdoors and get some sun. Even just moving around can help sometimes.

Also reading a good book or finding something thought provoking online helps keep me awake as it keeps the mind sharp. When I get winded up it helps break my fatigue and keeps me sharp and focused as well as awake.  I find that having my mind going is as good as having my body going.

I find that you have lots of caffeine as mention earlier does not help my anxiety. I avoid energy drinks especially I find that help me surge for an hour then I am back to square one. Same with sugary snacks and soft drinks.(I am also trying to keep the weight off). Eating right and getting the right amount of exercise are key in helping this. 

I should mention that I also do shift work and have to”flip my body” which compounds this problem.I often have bizarre sleep patterns on top of anxiety and often run a sleep deficit which may actually be the problem except I know that it is a symptom of anxiety. It is a matter of looking after myself mentally and physically.

A New Phobia

Another thing I have learned living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder is that it encompasses a lot of other phobias .One that I have is phonophobia also known as ligyophobia or sonophobia which is the fear of loud noise. In particular it is the fear of being yelled at.

I have had this fear for a long time without realizing it is a phobia and could be from the fact I had ear infections as a kid or that I just am sensitive to noise.I didn’t get yelled at often as a child but have had it often in adulthood. I did get it occasionally at school but seldom at home when I was a kid.

It happens frequently at my current job as it seems the only way the foremen can communicate to others is by shouting at you. It is loud in the place but I seemed to get yelled at the slightest provocation. It is not as bad now but on a previous crew I was on it was pretty bad.

On the previous crew the foreman would yell me for often very trivial matters I seemed to be singled out. Also, one his lackeys also seemed to single me out as I got yelled by him often while no one else seemed to be yelled at all by him. This did not help my anxiety (obviously) but made me not want to go into work at all. I often felt very nervous and shaky (among other things) before going into work.

I figured I would have been desensitized to this by now but I as I have learned phobias don’t away on their own but take some helps. There are ways to cope such as tune them out , realize it is them and not you and realize that there are jerks in the world. Also, I live in very quiet environment so it is easy to decompress at home. Even writing about it helps me cope.

As for loud noises I find that at home I can put my earbuds in and listen to some good music or just have things at the right volume. Even ear protection is home or when you are going out is helpful in combatting this phobia. Unfortunately I have to live with the fact that our society can be noisy a lot of the time.

GAD and Insomia

Of the problems I have had with GAD and living with it is I get periods of insomnia. I don’t have problems sleeping all the time but there are times that I have falling and/or staying asleep.

I find there are times where my mind is racing 100 miles a minute as soon as my head hits the pillow. I am either worrying about work or finances or I just thinking crazy stuff. Also,I should mention that I am a shift worker and it is hard for me to have set hours of nightly sleep. Sometimes things going on in the world pop their ugly head up just as I am trying to get to sleep. This usually occurs when I am trying to sleep during the day(although sometimes at night).

I also get sleep anxiety at times usually on the days and nights I am scheduled to work. I get the fear of oversleeping or waking up groggy and end up waking hours before I have to. Or I fear that I may have scary or weird dreams and it will disturb my sleep. I have the bad habit of checking the time when I can’t sleep which makes things worse.

How do I cope? Well I have picked up a few habits that have helped me curb this problem. I have started drinking caffeine-free herbal teas before I go to bed.  I also find listening to music and/or doing some light reading before helps as well. Even watching something funny on YouTube can help as it keeps my minds off some of my troubles.

Even I am going to sleep, I found that I have to curl up my body and to focus on pleasant thoughts like beautiful landscapes, beaches and even kittens and puppies. Also,breathing exercises that I have read about online and put them in practice. I require virtually no noise meaning even a white noise machine and whale music is out.( It often gets difficult during the day with all the noises outside.) I need a cool room to sleep in but a warm bed. Mercifully my mattress is warm during the winter but need the fans going in the summer as my bedroom is the hottest room in the house.

I still struggle with sleep at times as anxiety and depression get the better of me. But with these things and others that I am researching I hope to nip this in the bud.

Tips For Overcoming Social Anxiety

As I have mentioned in an earlier post I also struggle with social anxiety. But I have found some way to overcome it and these are methods I have personally tried.

1. Be Proactive On Social Media

I know this sounds like a cop out or very cheap but hear me out. Simply commenting on a post on Facebook or Twitter can help overcome your fear of dealing with people and in the process let your voice be heard. It can also allow you to start a conversation in the safety of your home and to put yourself out there. (However try not to be offensive to doing so.)

2. Get Involved

At my church they often have events such as game nights and monthly men’s breakfasts. I found that these events are great way to meet new people and get to talk about yourself (After all who doesn’t Like to do that). If you don’t attend a house of worship going to something like a community dinner or a convention that involves a hobby or interest helps to get to know like minded people and put yourself out there.

3.Volunteer 

Another way to get out there is to volunteer for a cause in your community or place of worship. There are plenty of opportunities as many organizations need people to help. This not only gives you a chance to meet new people but to do some good in your community but society as a whole.

4. Use The Phone

If you are anything like me you dread or hate using the phone. However calling a friend or family member can ease your worries and get you more comfortable. Even something simple as calling a store to check their hours or to see if a certain product is available can go a long way to ease your tension.

5. Engage More When You Are Out

When you are out shopping or at a restaurant you can be more chatty with staff. More often than not they will engage in conversation with you. For instance there is a record shop in town I go to buy albums and the owner will sometimes come up to talk to me and will talk about music for a bit. Even asking store help questions can ease anxiety.

I hope these suggestions help as they have worked for me in the past. The key taking the first step which is ultimately up to you to do.

More Things That I Have Learned With GAD

Here are some more insights that I have learned living with GAD:

While I may never be cured of my anxiety and depression, I don’t have to let it be an albatross around my neck in daily living.

You have to be your own advocate in this walk as most don’t know exactly what you are going through or will dismiss it lightly.

You will have your good days and really bad days. You can’t let the bad days bring you down too much or it will eat you alive.

Good physical health and mental health go hand in hand. It is true what they say about diet and exercise in combating anxiety.

I am not alone and there are many resources (especially online)to help me fight this and that I am not alone in this struggle.

This struggle is one that is fought day by day as each day brings forward its highs and lows. I must live this way.

Even as I struggle with this I have victory over this with the help of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Black Dog Is Gone.....For Now

Been feeling a lot better as I had a very good week. I just celebrated my birthday (I won’t say my age) and I had good time with my wife. Things have gone much better at work and I haven’t been as stressed out. Also, my favourite season Summer has officially begun.

I have been lifted out of my funk and have been doing a lot better. This is not to say that I am out of the woods but I have learned to live life one day at a time and to really the good days. I think the amount of sunshine definitely helps and the fact that I am able to get out more often.

My anxiety has been better and I have been exercising again after batting nausea and headaches for the last week or so. My health has improved over the last week and I have more energy. I am going to enjoy this time while I can. 

My Black Dog

Right now I have been experiencing what Winston Churchill called a black dog meaning depression, I been able to function but it has been hard.

I also been experiencing some stomach problems mostly nausea which may or may not be related. I am on a new med which I hope helps and have not been overeating which has helped as well. I actually had to go home from work on Tuesday because I was dry heaving and having been taking Gravols for the last couple of days as I have been off. This thing with my stomach has been going on and off for months now.

I have been doing some things to help myself like keeping up with my bible reading and I have been focusing on the book of Philippians both reading it and listening for the past few days. It has become one of my favourite books of the Bible and it is an easy read. Although, my prayer has not been as good and needs some work.

I also just finished a book by Lucinda Bassett called From Panic To Power and has been a call to action to me to change some things in my life.I been downloading some books on Kindle that deal with this topic among others. I have been going to great lengths to keep my mind busy throughout this.

I know this like all things will pass and I will be in better spirits. But in the meantime I will have a valley to cross and this black dog is with me.

 

What If...

I going through this my entire life there are a lot of what ifs that go through my mind and I’m sure some out there can say the same thing. These are just some imagined things that happen in one’s mind.

What if I get a fatal and deadly disease that will kill me?

What if I get into an accident on my way to work and/or injured in the process?

What if I have a bad day at work?

What if I get injured or get killed at work?

What if a family member gets sick or dies tomorrow?

What if the weather is very bad today?

What if I totally embarrass myself today?

On the other hand these are counter thoughts that we should think of.

What if I have a great day at work?

What if I have nice drive and hear some good music going to work?

What if I get complimented on a job well done?

What if it is a great day outside today?

What if everything will be all right and live one day at a time?

What if I give my burdens to God?

Ups And Downs

I have had quite a few ups and downs this week and things weren’t that dull. Also,I have had some struggles to go along with them.

I had insomnia for a few days as I had trouble adjusting to night shift this week and likely caused by my anxiety. I felt very tired which at times made my anxiety worse and to adjust my med schedules again. But one of my shifts was cancelled with help my anxiety but screwed up by sleep as slept for a few hours that night. Apparently the superiors didn’t show and the weather was really bad as there were really bad thunderstorms and power outages in the area.

My wife was sick as well with problems stemming for her HS. It was hard to see her in pain it was difficult for her to get around. She may have to take sick time off of work and was not been able to go out of the house.

I have found an alternative to coffee and water drinking as I have gotten into drinking peppermint which has helped with my insomnia and has soothed my nerves. I not saying it is a miracle drink but has helped me a bit with this. I look forward to trying more teas in the future as a means of cutting down my caffeine intake.

I have woken up with my stomach in knots a couple of times and with a headache but I have new med which has helped. I started a new book From Panic To Power by Lucinda Bassett which has been a helpful read this far.

Overall, it has been a very up and down week and hope things to settle as I go into day shifts this next week. I hope for more ups than downs this next week as well.

Things Not To Do With GAD

While I am not an expert these are some things I learned not to do while dealing with anxiety and depression. This just comes from experience.

1.    Use Alcohol To Numb Thoughts

To used to do this I order to separate me from these thoughts. It may work when you have a buzz on but when you wake up the next day or sober up your thoughts come back or in most cases they come back even whose than before. This goes for drugs as well although I avoid illicit drugs. I tired marijuana in the past but it made me sleepy and paranoid.(Another symptom of GAD).

2.   Remain Idle

Another bad thing to do when dealing with anxiety is to sit around or lie down. Keeping active is the way to go as you can get your body to outpace your thoughts, Sometimes it is something simple as going for a walk or doing something around the house. Plus a good workout keeps you healthy in body and mind. But just sitting or lying around makes your thoughts completely takes over.

3. Limit Caffeine

I know this should probably say avoid caffeine but I enjoy my morning coffee. I also do shift work so I need a little to get me through the night. (I avoid energy drinks however). I just drink two a day and switch to water for the rest of the day. Otherwise,I get jittery and tense. Not to mention it upsets my stomach.

4. Avoid All Your Fears

There are many things that you want to avoid when dealing with anxiety. However, it is better to face you fears as avoidance can leave thoughts on an endless cycle. This is not to put your in yourself in dangerous situations or to be reckless. But to do things at work that may give you anxiety such public speaking, meeting with a boss, try learning a new skill etc.

These are just some things to avoid when dealing with GAD as there is a right way and a wrong way to combat this.

The Latest

It has not been an up and down time for me in the last 72 hours. I went into work the other night with knots in my stomach which i had for no reason. I had to watch over some temps and actually spent most of my night looking for things to do. I felt nervous and on edge for some reason. I survived the night and things went well but still struggled.
Things were ok yesterday as I had to talk to my doctor about some stomach issues I have been having  having and got a prescription for headaches I have been having. I got caught on some sleep as I had to work overnight and it was a very quiet day and slept well last night.
I had a very rough morning  for reasons I will not get into. I still feel on edge and am a little shaky. Now I am listening to some music as am I writing and feeling a little bit better now. I got some Peppermint Tea today and hope it helps soothe my nerves. I also look forward to a calmer afternoon and night. I get need to relax and settle down.

Workplace Anxiety

I feel that the place my anxiety is the worst is at work. I don’t know why as it isn’t to mentally taxing and isn’t physical damaging for the most part.
I almost always dread going into work and am always fearful that things will go wrong. I am always afraid of making a big mistake that will ultimately got me my job. And with the economy being like it is right now very difficult to find as new one.I have to always keep a brave face and not indicate that there is something as this is not a place you want people to know you have a problem especially a mental illness.
There is a certain stigma in our society as this kind of problem can be shown as a form of weakness and could be costly. It has cost me pay raises and promotions. I am basically stuck in neutral right now.
I would like to move on but the fear is this will follow me wherever i go and as mention elsewhere I have had this problem at several other jobs. I feel it may be the job as I often feel I am in the wrong profession. I may have to seek out the right profession for myself.
I just wonder if this(Workplace Anxiety) is an separate issue or just a part of having GAD. This has been especially hard for me the last four years or so with no end in sight. I know it won’t last forever but it is a tough burden to carry.

How I Cope With GAD

First of all I am not a professional therapist but merely an individual who is living with constant anxiety and depression. These are just some ways that I cope with it all,


EXERCISE

I found that sitting or lying around just brings back your worries. When I started doing some exercise it helped keep my mind off things that troubled me. I go for half an hour on the treadmill or if it is a real nice day a walk around the block. I also started doing weights which helps me burn off some nervous energy. I have been trying to keep more active as of late.

PRAY

I should have included this first but I find prayer makes a big difference. I am for a few minutes a day at least and pray silently when I need to. If I can’t think of the words to say I sometimes will read from the Book of Common Prayer or the Lutheran Book of Prayer. Or I will find prayers online on various sites to recite. I will also from the Bible if I am feeling really anxious or nervous.

READ

Try finding a good book to read which I find often helps keeps my mind focused and away from my worries. It also keeps me mentally sharp. The types books I like are nonfictional ones Christian ,Canadian history, political and of course the Bible. Sometimes reading other people’s blogs helps as well.

LAUGH

The saying “laughter is the best medicine “ is so true.  I try to find some old comedy bits on YouTube or posts on Facebook that give me a good chuckle or I laugh so hard my sides hurt. Even a joke book can brighten my day.

TALK TO SOMEONE

It is not good to keep things bottled up and sharing things with someone close can ease the burden. It is usually my spouse who I talk and help set me straight. Also, a parent, friend, sibling or clergy can help.Even a talking to therapist can help you resolve some of the issues I am facing.


I just thought I would share this and hope that it can help anyone that is going through what I’m going through.

Depression

The twin of anxiety is depression and this is something that has plagued me most of my life. It started when I was eight or nine years old when I was having problems at school. I really didn’t want to be near anybody and wanted to be alone. I also could never feel happy and was down a lot.
In my teen years weren’t much better as I would often have dark periods in my life. I would feel out of sorts and not really with it. My grades suffer as I often had no motivation and would try to”self-meditate”. But the drugs and alcohol just made things worse and probably prolonged my moods.
In my adulthood I struggled even more with depression not realizing it was often caused by my anxiety. I did alright in college but still struggled as felt suicidal. I went into counselling and it seemed to help.
After college I seem to be directionless as I had problems finding a job in my field and would fall into dark moods. I begin to have suicidal thoughts again and didn’t seem motivated at times. I was stuck in a rut living at home. Also,I also started drinking heavily again.
Eventually I moved out on own and got married, Stopped drinking, bought a house etc.. But I have been plagued by these dark moods as some of them gotten to the point where I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I also get to a place where I feel lethargic and am in a bad way.
I realize that these two things go together like peanut butter and jelly. I have to seek out counselling and find ways to cope. I need the strength of the Lord to help me through these periods as well.

Social Anxiety Too?

I touched on this in yesterday’s post that in addition to having GAD that I may also have social anxiety. I have not been diagnosed by anyone but judging my the symptoms described on various websites..
I have always had this since I was very young and was very shy when I was a young kid. I always felt like I never fit in and had trouble making friends. I also never spoke very much and kept to myself. I especially felt uncomfortable in crowds and social situations. I usually kept to myself and I got to experience being outside looking in..
In my teen years it was especially hard as I had problems making friends and talking to the opposite sex. I was always wondering what if they don”t like me. I never got involved with sports teams and clubs in school.Wha if I sound stupid . Am I just no goodIt was easier to kind of fade into the background and not stand out.
My style of dress(wearing plain or boring clothes) reflected this.Also how I interacted with the people and how got very nervous when I had to speak in front of people. I figured this was just part of being an introvert but learned later that it is part of my anxiety. That my generalized anxiety disorder gives life to this and they feed each other.
In adulthood it has gotten better but I still have a long road ahead of me as I still get nervous having to meet new people. I also am pretty much a loner and have a small social circle. I also spent a lot of time at time alone. I”m still nervous in crowds but have made strides in this area. I have found that anxiety disorders feed each other.

My Story

It has dawned on me while I shared bits and pieces of how I have gotten to this point in my life But I haven’t told the whole story of my struggle with GAD.
In my childhood I was very anxious about going to school and was what one would call a worrywart. I would worry about everything from whether I would say or do the wrong thing to whether or not there would be a nuclear war( Emergency Boardcast System tests would frighten me) as the Cold War was still going on. As a result I didn’t talk a lot to people and even though I had a few friends was pretty much an outcast and often very alone.
I carried this into my teen years and things got a little better in my young adulthood as I was able to be more reclusive. I developed a drinking problem and worked a variety of jobs. Along the way I found the Lord Jesus and got saved. Went to Bible School in hopes of becoming a pastor. I still struggled with anxiety and depression as I felt lonely and out of place. I also felt inadequate and struggled as I had a fear of public speaking.I also had problems making friends.
I graduated but was unable to find a position as a pastor or in any type of Christian ministry. Worked as a landscaper and along the way dated a few women until I found a very lovely young woman who I would eventually marry.
I moved out, got married and settled in a different area. I found work as a Developmental Support Worker for a Christian organization working with adults with developmental disabilities in a group home setting. It was during this time things intensified I was often very nervous when I had to go to work. I would get knots in my stomach, sometimes I would get headaches, be unable to eat and would be a little shaky. I often had “What if one of the clients acts out?” “What if I give the wrong meds?” “I feel like I have no clue what I am doing”?
It took a toll on my social life as I would zone out during group conversations with friends and family. My wife would tell me something I would completely forget right away or get it completely wrong. It reached a fever pitch when I started a new job at a plastics factory.(I wasn’t getting enough hours as a DSW).
I was always nervous, kept making simple mistakes and had problems following simple instructions.  I also had insomnia and wasn’t eating very well. After several years of being told I need help and moving to a new town.My doctor diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder ( I also may have social anxiety) and was prescribed meds to help treat it.
I have gotten better but still struggle with it daily as it has comeback in the last few years. I have not gone for any promotions because I fear the responsibly and Don’t want the extra headaches. (I also fear change)I have gotten less than stellar reviews about my work performance. I also find myself getting sick a lot more and missing time as a result. I just try to survive most days.I also am nervous about finding a new job as I may encounter the same problems and am reluctant to jump in with this economy these days.
I do find ways to cope as I have been reading the Bible a lot, exercising a lot more, listening to music and was in therapy. I would definitely like to have victory over this.

Good News

I have received some good news as my COVID-19 test came back negative. It has set my mind at ease and I can move on. But I still have to go for some bloodwork as to see what is wrong with me as I am still feeling nauseous and have a bit of a headache.
I still have some anxiety as I am not sure what is wrong with me and I have had to miss some work because of this. As a result I think my job is in jeopardy and worry about finances. But I have overcome a major hurdle in that I do not have the COVID-19 virus.

The Latest

I have had an interesting last 48 hrs as I am now quarantined. I had to go to get tested for the COVID-19 virus and am awaiting the results. I have had a sickness that I thought initially as caused by my anxiety as I was dry heaving and have been nauseous. These are symptoms I have had especially when I have had anxiety attacks, I also may have been battling bug during this time.

Through this pandemic I have had (surprisedly) neither an increase in my anxiety but I have also not really had a decrease either. I have had to be careful how much of the news I look at as the stories about the COVID virus and the wrecked economy can trigger my anxiety. I still check the news but don’t spent a lot of time on news websites.This is also the second time I have had to quarantine in the last three months as I had a similar bug a little over a month ago.

There have been a few changes as my hours at work have changed and have had to make adjustments. Of course this whole COVID-19 pandemic as turned the world upside down. My wife has had to stay home because of this as well and have enjoyed the time with her. The uncertainty of everything can cause a lot of stress. I have to hang in there, pray and hope for the best.

Some Things That Have Helped Me

To show that I am seeking help and trying to work through this condition rather than stew in my pain. These are some things that I am doing to help myself through this.

Prayer and meditation.
Exercise (Treadmill 30 minutes a day)
Focus on the positive.
Better eating habits.(cut out junk food)
Go outside more especially on sunny days.

These are just a few things that I have been doing the last few things that I have been doing to get in better shape mentally. I hope some of things will work for you mentally as well especially if you struggle with anxiety and depression.

Tips For This crisis

Through this crisis I have been relatively calm which is surprising considering, I do have a few tips that have helped me through this:

Find a good book(s) to read.

Learn a language or an instrument which both can be done online.

Prayer,prayer and more prayer.

Spend time with a loved one.

Go out a walk and/or drive.(obey social distancing)

These are just a few things that have helped me out through this.

GAD and the COVID-19 Crisis

Throughout this crisis I have been relatively calm. GAD has kicked in but I have been following protocol in terms of contact, handwashing etc. I still got a bug of some sort (but not COVID-19) and have been home but I have had time to reflect on things. It is easy to get anxious with all the information that is out there and with more and more people being diagnosed daily.

However, I find that you just need piece of mind and I hold on to my faith in God as well. Plus there are things I can do at home to keep me occupied such as reading, learning a new language among other things. The key is to keep my mind busy throughout this.

Thought Patterns

Some of thought patterns you have when dealing with GAD can wear you out as your mind is often playing tricks with you.. There is a sense of dread, the feeling that something is going to go wrong, the feeling that you can get fired from your job for any mistake, That are doing you say the wrong thing to the wrong person.
   You have a fear that everyone is watching you when few people are actually paying attention. You are afraid of meeting new people because you automatically  assume they won’t like you.. You get uncomfortable in crowds and that you want to blend into the background. To sum it up you always fear the proverbial hammer going to fall on you.
  It makes things such as social interaction, doing day to day stuff or even going in public very difficult.Aloo reading and watching the news can really send you over the edge as most off their stories are of doom or gloom.
  Next time, II will bring up some ways how to cope and mention i am not a healthcare professional but just relating my own experience with this condition.

Thoughts From The Past

In living with GAD has been a challenge.  In my youth I always wondered why I felt nervous in social situations and why I would worry all the time. I never seemed to fit in at school as having anxiety can be seen on your face and made me a target.
   In fairness this was not known back then and it was brushed off as growing pains or being a little too sensitive. Even as time went on having anxiety was seen as being very weak if diagnosed.Also, parents were either unaware of this or unwilling to accept a child as having a condition such as this. Having a mental illness had a different sigma that you were crazy or you had a defect of some sort.
Mental health was not seen as gray as it is now.
   I was seen as socially awkward and very quiet which were parts of my personally, I thought it may be something I grew out of. I wasn’t as bad as other cases as never had full blown panic attacks or had to be hospitalized. But it did(and still does) paralyze me in life especially socially.I also had huge fears of being physically hurt or was withdrawn which made me a target of bullies. This would only make things even worse and seemed to put me in a never ending vicious cycle.
 I still had a relatively normal childhood but I had to always carry this monkey on my back.It ejected me socially, my performance at school and was partly the reason got involved in many sports and activities in school as well. I went childhood never knowing what was completely wrong.

INTRO

Hi. This is just a little blog I have written to describe my battle with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) which I was diagnosed with several years.  I have learned this is not easy to shake and can reek havoc of your life. I have sought treatment and am on meds for it. I hope this journey will help me and also get to know myself better.